My Version of Quarter Life Crisis (I Supposed)
I never share this before but I feel like I need to put this out (and I can’t seep lol). Okay so first of all, TW: mention of death, depression.
Last year was really challenging for me personally. I face thesis with all the shits that come with it; the feeling of being so stupid, questioning what am I doing all this time, thinking I am not enough. But little did I know, the worst part was, it wasn’t end there. I thought post thesis life things would get better, but surprise, surprise. Loneliness hits. The feeling of missing something constant hits.
Things worsened when I feel like everyone and their mother got something to do, but not me. I start to cry often, losing interest in something I used to loved, losing appetite, did that Ibunda: Cek Kondisi Kesehatan Mental test and if I remember correctly I scored 40 (or more? I don’t really remember lmao) and that is for hmm kamu membutuhkan bantuan profesional. And one day I cried on my way home diboncengan abang ojol, until I start to think about death often.
Of course I was in denial at first. Like, cmon, how could I think about that? “nggak gue nggak mikir gitu kok” tried to convince myself that, until at one point I start to googled,
- I feel like I will die soon
- post graduate depression
- signs that you’re going to die
because I simply thought I have no future, so perhaps I will prolly die soon, no?
Anyway long story short, it is safe to say I overcome that issues, took me a while and with many distraction but here I am, doing more than okay. Though until today I have no idea if that was depression or just a mere over worry, never got myself checked either. And if that was indeed depression, should I take care of myself better since I don’t know, it might comeback?
What I learned from all the shenanigans is, everyone have their own pace. I shouldn’t compared my life to others because really, my goals, what makes me feel satisfied with my life, my happiness, top priority, are all different with others, so what’s the point on comparing my life to others, right? I should have focused more on myself. Stop worrying so much about something that aren’t even certain. Stop thinking I am worthless because clearly am not. Don’t let all the negativity take over. Having so many questions and yet not get the answer I want right away is okay, am not supposed to figured everything out by 20-ish anyway. Step by step, it really is okay. So cheeeeeeers for a good life ahead!
Originally published on IG; April 27, 2020.
